I should have known better

than to think that this could be it? What was I thinking? One high temp and I'm revved up with hope again. That will NEVER happen again!

I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs???

Look at my freaking chart http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/6e4ff
It's playing serious tricks on me now. They have never went back up on day 12. What do you think?

Temps plummeting

and so....AF is on the plane waiting to land. She is getting real impatient too...kicking and screaming to come out. I feel like crapola. At least my sweet hubby took me out for a nice lunch today :)

NO news on the job yet. We heard through another reliable source that the reason they are taking their sweet ass time...is because David may be up for a more important job. The job he originally interviewed for was because this woman Marion was moving up to another position. Word has it that Dave may be up for the position Marion wants. Sticky I know. She told him about her job being available but probably never thought they'd consider HIM over her. Knowing David, he wouldn't take it if that meant she couldn't have it. Just wouldn't be ethical. If there are 2 positions however, that would work. We shall see....

Surgery is a week away. I sure hope I'm doing the right thing. I think it is and hopefully she can see in there and fix any potential problems along with the cyst. I sure hope it reduces the swelling I have...this damn thing is messing up my life!!!!

OK, I'm done kvetching. :)

Here's my coop :)

It's all a waiting game

Still waiting for the word on Dh's job. He heard from a reliable source that the guy is still interviewing! Jeez...so we have to wait until next week or until this dude makes a decision.

8 DPO. In about another week AF will come. I hope she gets here erly because I have to have this surgery after I menstruate. I never thought I'd be saying I want her to come early. More waiting.

I wanted to take my new Cooper out but it was raining ALL DAY...more waiting.

I'm waiting and wondering how Jamie's 2nd dr. appt went. I'm waiting to see if Jenn gets a BFP. Did you know you spend 1/3 of your life waiting? I probably spend more time bitching about waiting!

Can't you tell how impatient I am! :)

A little sad today

I woke up feeling crappy. I've been bloated and crampy so I suppose it's PMS (why on cd21 I don't know). I remembered (wish I hadn't) that today was my due date. My secret hope was to be pg before this date arrived but I realize it's not going to happen.

It's just a sad day for me. I just needed to tell someone.

My new mini -

Yea, I decided to get a new car...a 2005 Black convertible Mini Cooper . This one is in grey but looks almost identical.

Can anyone relate to this???

All methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,painless removal - - - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair andnow ...

THE WAX.

My night began as any other normal weekday night . . . Comehome, fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thoughtthat would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So, Iheaded to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one ofthose cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you justrub the strips together in your hand, and then they get warm,and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else),and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?I mean I'm no girly-girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough I can figure it out.

YA THINK!!!????

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I getout the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

Cold wax my a-- (Oh how this phrase haunts me!)lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom forthe ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties andplace one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering therighthalf of my personals and stretching down to the inside of mybutt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip)!

I inhale deeply and brace myself.RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!! . . . Vision returning, I
notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip.
Another deep breath and RRIIPP.

Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums???OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy, my wax-covered felt that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip butt here is no hair on it.Where is the wax???Slowly I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.I see the hair . . . the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax!

I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body thatis now covered in cold wax and matted hair and then make themy biggest mistake.(remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.)

I know I need to move to do something. So, I put my footdown, and then I hear the slamming of the cell door. My privates?? Sealed shut. A-- ?? Sealed shut.I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "I hope I don't get the urge to 'go potty'. My head may pop off!!"Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest waterI can stand in the tub. The wax should melt, and I can gentlywipe it off. Right??? WRONG!!!!!! I get in the tub . . . the water is slightly hotter than thatused to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your business glued together is having them glued together and then glued to thebottom of the tub . . . in scalding hot water . . . (which, by the way, doesn't melt the cold wax).

So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!

I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So, my butt and cooch are stuck tothe bottom of the tub!"

She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where is the wax on the butt,"Are we talking cheeks or what?" She's laughing out loudby now . . . I can hear her.

I give her the rundown, and she suggests I call the numberon the side of the box. YEAH Right!! I could be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I result in scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck tothe tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the stickywax off!!

I then find the most beautiful saving grace . . . that is the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub someand scream, "IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!"

I get a hearty congratulations from my friend, and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax, and thennotice to my dismay. The hair is still there . . all of it. SoI shaved the stuff off.

Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then, I put the wax back in themedicine cabinet. I may have a mustache that needs work someday.

Next week I'm going to try hemmoroid cream on my eyelids. . .

San Antonio Bound?

Well, David had the interview today. He thinks it went well. They said they'll let him know by the end of the week. I can't believe the relocation package they give. 15K check for expenses. They also pay for the moving truck to move all of our belongings AND pay the closing costs with realtor fees. How amazing is that? I hope he gets this job, he really deserves it. It's a step up in the corporate world. He'll have to be a suit, but all in all he's earned it and I'm behind him 100%.

3 DPO. I'm not really expecting anything this month. 2 weeks until my laparascopy. I am still temping though. I guess it's really a habit at this point.

That's it for now...if I get any news about the move, I will post it. Have a nice day everyone.

Latest and the not so greatest

First things first - CD 15 and got a peak this morning. Temps are still not rising but I expect them to in the next day or so after ovulation is over.

EWCM - first time I've seen it hang (sorry TMI) since before my miscarriage.

I have the laparascopy scheduled for May 4th with the pre-op on May 3rd. It should be day 5 of my cycle...that is if I'm not pregnant (yeah right).

Dave's urologist visit scheduled for May13th. Why so late? It was the first appointment we could get...unbelievable.

David's interview is on Tuesday for thie SA job. It's with the same company but it's in the corporate offices. What does this mean? Means no more weird schedules, working the night shift, off every holiday, working 9 to 5. No more heavy lifting or climbing. He'll be an office man with a desk...woowoo! He's only had one desk job and hated it so I hope this isn't the case with this one.

The only thing that worries me is if they ask him to start right away. How will this work with me being here by myself, having the surgery and taking care of the kids? It's all so overwhelming but like everything else...it'll work out. He'll just have to tell them before hand, that's all.

Another thing that will suck is I have to change doctors. I just hope this doesn't cause any setbacks. It'll take time for my house to sell and I have to be here at leat until school lets out so hopefully I can get everything squared away by then. I was told by a few people that as soon as they got their lap surgery then conceived relatively easy....and I know I got pg before I had it so that's optimistic I think.

I'm having a Positive Attitude!!! :)

Attitude... Good versus Bad

Winston Churchill once said: "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference".

This saying is so true that it is downright scary. I know that because I find myself better able to deal with my infertility when I wake up in a good mood. It seems so simple then to forget that there is anything wrong with my life, to look past everything and just try to be as funny and loving as I can. This always seems to make my family happier too. But how do we get there?

How can we choose to have a better attitude when the skies seem so gray?

Attitude impacts us as we face each and every day. It impacts our day and it impact other's day as well. Simply put, we need to recognize what we can control in our life and what we cannot. What we need to do next is take the things that we can control and make the best of it with them, while adapting to the ones we can't.

That other saying comes to mind here... God, Grant me the SerenityTo accept the things I cannot change,Courage to change the things I can,and Wisdom to know the difference.

Our life is just too precious, each day too important to sit and dwell over things we cannot change. Surely there will be days where things go wrong and we can't pick ourselves up, but there has to be more than a few days where things are looking up. We need to remember those days as we take control of our life and our daily attitude.

If, for example, our attitude is one of hope & possibility, then we might seek different and even unusual treatments for ourselves. Our mind can be open to all sorts of possibilities, the future may not look so gloomy. Many inventions came out of this state of mind. If we adopt the state of mind that our life is not tragic but full of wonderful things and love, we can expect to live a more balanced and happier inner and outer life as well.

Having a good attitude is not only important for our well being, but for our family as well, because they take their cues from us. If we think life is tragic because of our misfortunes, they will think their life is tragic too. If we think that life is wonderful, they will not constantly complain, but be grateful of a good day.If we are bitter about the cards we were dealt, so will they.

We unfortunately belong in a club that none of us has chosen, with a membership we cannot cancel. Even if we are successful in the club, it will always be a part of who we are. Our attitude, bad or good, impacts all we do and affects all those around us.

Update on Re Visit

What a long day.

I had my SHG. It went well and was relatively painless. The procedure was only about 5 minutes. The nurse doing the test said she would forward all results for my 3 PM visit with
my dr. I still didn't know a thing.

OK, so here it is. I'll do my results first.

Blood tests - all came back normal.
SHG - showed a large cyst on my right ovary which is inhibiting ovulation on that side. The cyst has been there since my last pregnancy and was supposed to dissolve...it hasn't. What this means is...the doctor doesn't know what it is...a benign cyst, cancerous cyst, endometrosis...she
just doesn't know. So, I have to have a laparoscopy. It's basically a outpatient surgery where they make a small incision in my belly which a camera is attached. My organs can then be seen on a monitor. With a laser, they can remove the cyst and have it biopsied. I'm out of the hospital the same day but I have to be put under with anesthesia.

Thyroid - tests came back low which means I have to up my dosage of meds again...2nd time in 6 months. Another possible cause of infertility.

David's results:

The sperm analysis showed low motility and low morphology which I knew. What I didn't know is that his counts showed a high amount of white blood cells which means he has an infection of some sort. It could be in his colon or somewhere in his lower extremities...we have to follow up with a urologist. Good news is that he can be put on antibiotics to clear it up within a week...and then get retested. But to be sure, we need to see the specialist.

So what does all of this mean? No IUI as of yet. She said it wouldn't be fruitful until after the problems have been resolved. I agree. She also said it would only take one cycle for both of us to be back to ttc and on track...hopefully. If's its cancer, then I'll have to face that head on and seek treatment. The doctor said that seems unlikely since it hasn't grown in 7 months. Again, we will have to see.

So, thats it. My uterus didn't fall out but we have some problems we need to fix first. I'm glad to know and hopefully this will do it for us.

The day has come

Well, today is the day. The day for either really good news or really bad news. I am not really worried about the Sonohysterogram...the test should be a breeze. I am just really apprehensive about the complete sperm, blood and SHG findings. Could she say something like "It doesn't look good" or "David's sperm are not viable" or "your uterus fell out 10 years ago and you didn't know it". I know, I'm going nuts. I have to keep a sense of humor through all this. What's meant to be is what's meant to be, right?

You know, I had another revelation this morning. Jenn asked what lyrics are us...mine and Dh's. Bless the broken Road was it. When I asked David to listen to it months and months ago, he agreed it was us. It was about how we went on many paths, sometimes not good ones, to find each other. Noone can say we didn't find each other in one of the most non traditional ways. For those who don't know, we found each other online. Eight years later, we're still as happy together as ever.

OK, back to my revelation. The song. When I listened to it again last night, I thought of our unborn child. I had never done that. I thought that maybe I needed to take a few broken roads to lead us to this baby. It all made sense and gave me a sense of peace. Like Jenn said...I'm not ready to have this baby yet. I need to go through this, travel a few broken roads to find him/her. It makes perfect sense to me now.

Here are the lyrics:

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream
lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Family

Lately, since considering a move to SA, I have been reflecting on my family. Not my immediate family, but my family growing up. I am one of 5 (3 brothers, 1 sister) and I must admit I hardly talk to any one of them. Is it me? I ask myself that all the time. I try to look at the big picture.

Were we close growing up? The answer is no. My siblings are all much older than I am with the exception of my brother who is only 2 years older. He used to tease me incessantly. I remember he used to take my dolls and hang them up. He used to tell me I was from Bangcock because I had bangs. It sounds all very funny now but at the time, I wanted him gone. The teasing and sarcasm just never stopped. He thought he was better than everyone. More educated and therefore more judgmental. Even when we spoke, every word would be a sarcastic dig...added in with humor so he could say he was joking.

I didn't have a close relationship with my parents, none of us did. My mother worked full time because my father kept losing job after job. We moved around alot (probably 10 times in 15 years) and therefore I was always the new kid and never able to have any long lasting friendships. I was a shy kid and although I did well in school, I shyed away from people. I could never count on anyone.

My mother stayed with my father for several reasons. One, she wasn't very independant. She couldn't see herself raising 5 kids by herself. And two, she knew that we hated him and would want to leave as soon as possible. She didn't want to be left alone. He wasn't a very good person. A pathological liar, involved with loan sharks and prostitutes...well, you get the picture. Still, she stayed with him. I could never understand that, to this day is still puzzles me.

I had my first boyfriend at 15. I attached myself to him probably more than I should. I was with him ALL the time. My parents hated it and called me sneaky. They never asked me why I wanted to be with him, only not to be. They told me to end it, which I never did. I dated him for 5 years. I was really close with his mother. I needed that at the time.

My sister, who is 8 years older than me is a piece of work. At 47 now, she is still unmarried, quite eccentric and very self centered. I guess this is because she is alone. I told her to move here to Texas with me...I thought it would be great but it turned out to be a complete headache. She came with her 11 birds, had broken her foot and decided to live it up at our expense.

She didn't work for over a year while she lived with us. Never paid a cent of her own way. It was a real nuisance and I wonder how my husband put up with it. Needless to say, I have had enough. The day I told her I wanted to have another baby, she rolled her eyes at me. That incensed me. I could take care of her...my OLDER sister but I couldn't take care of another child. What a selfish bitch!

I swallowed it and swallowed it...with too many separate instances to mention. When I miscarried, she decided she rather go to Florida to see my brothers and told me she couldn't take me. She then asked if I would feed her birds. Again, selfish bitch! When I finally told her how I felt, the only thing she said was "you have some stuff of mine in storage, and I want it". We don't speak anymore. I have had it with her.

To this day, my brother who teased me...well, we don't speak either. He still picks at me and knows what buttons to press. Him and my sister are perfect for each other. There isn't one sibling who speaks to all the other siblings. So, it's not just me.

My other two brothers live far away. One I love to death and one I don't speak to at all since he's disconnected h imself from the rest of the family. He's been having a mid life crises for 15 years now. He wears his hair in a ponytail...need I say more?

Since my mother has died, it has been her wish to get the family back together. I would love to do that for her. My father is dead in my eyes and my siblings are quickly following suit. I realized one thing...I do have a family. My husband and kids are the only family i will ever need and if I'm blessed to have another...it's a shame they won't know about my family but it's a blessing too!

So, if I make the move to SA, it will be with a clear mind. I can't wait for a new beginning. Maybe I can leave all this crap behind...once and for all. I just have to get rid of all the negative elements in my life. I mean, who needs it?

Kelly Marie

Michael

My son Michael aka Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.

It's like this.....When you are going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans...the Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the Gondolas inVenice.

You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and say "Welcome to Holland". Holland??? you say. What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy!I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going toItaly.

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed inHolland and there you must stay, the important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met. It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland has Rembrandt's.But everyone is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, " Yes. That's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned".

The pain will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.



Emily Perl Kingsley wrote that and it's so fitting for anyone who has a "special" child.

Blood Work and tests...

I went in for the blood work today at CD3. They will have the results in a day. I scheduled the sonohysterogram for April 12th with a dr appointment right after. I did it that in case she opted to do iui...in which case I wouldn't have ovulated yet. I asked the nurse about taking a fertility med (again I'd need to start today at CD3) but she didn't know and would have to call me back once she got the info fromt he RE.

More later when I get the news. She's supposed to call by the end of the day.

Update:

Well, the nurse called and the RE doesn't want to do the iui this cycle. Seems that this invasive sonohysterogram will somewhat compromise the uterus and she doesn't want to put too much on me at once. April 12th we will be able to go over the test results and make a determination at that time if iui is the next step. I hope it is and we're not slapped with another setback. More waiting...UGH!!!!

The next step

Next week...on cd 2 or 3 I have to go get blood drawn for the following tests:

Estradiol Rapid
FSH
LH
TSH
T-4

Of those I know what 4 of them are. I guess the Estradiol is estrogen.

On CD 7-10 I have to have this test:
SONOHYSTEROGRAM -

The sonohysterogram is a special kind of ultrasound test in which fluid is injected into the uterus to see if there are any abnormalities in the shape or lining of the uterus. It sounds similar to the hysterosalpingogram (HSG) but is a very different test.

Unlike the HSG, this test is usually not painful, and can be done in the office.We do this test instead of the HSG in patients who are planning to do in vitro fertilization (IVF) or are undergoing evaluation for abnormal bleeding. It does not determine if the fallopian tubes are open.

Since I have had 3 pregnancies (2 successful), she doesn't feel the need to do the HSG.


Once I get these tests done, I have to see her again. I don't know if she will want to do the IUI this cycle ...if I can get in to see her before I ovulate then I will ask her. I will call to make an appointment first thing Monday morning...right after I get the appt for the sonogram.

It's all very overwhelming I know...and it's only gonna get worse.

I'm right behind ya Jenn. Two infertile test taking IUI having bitchy ass peas...here we comeeeeeeee.

Temps took a nosedive

The witch will be here tomorrow. Where's my fucking coffee???