Family

Lately, since considering a move to SA, I have been reflecting on my family. Not my immediate family, but my family growing up. I am one of 5 (3 brothers, 1 sister) and I must admit I hardly talk to any one of them. Is it me? I ask myself that all the time. I try to look at the big picture.

Were we close growing up? The answer is no. My siblings are all much older than I am with the exception of my brother who is only 2 years older. He used to tease me incessantly. I remember he used to take my dolls and hang them up. He used to tell me I was from Bangcock because I had bangs. It sounds all very funny now but at the time, I wanted him gone. The teasing and sarcasm just never stopped. He thought he was better than everyone. More educated and therefore more judgmental. Even when we spoke, every word would be a sarcastic dig...added in with humor so he could say he was joking.

I didn't have a close relationship with my parents, none of us did. My mother worked full time because my father kept losing job after job. We moved around alot (probably 10 times in 15 years) and therefore I was always the new kid and never able to have any long lasting friendships. I was a shy kid and although I did well in school, I shyed away from people. I could never count on anyone.

My mother stayed with my father for several reasons. One, she wasn't very independant. She couldn't see herself raising 5 kids by herself. And two, she knew that we hated him and would want to leave as soon as possible. She didn't want to be left alone. He wasn't a very good person. A pathological liar, involved with loan sharks and prostitutes...well, you get the picture. Still, she stayed with him. I could never understand that, to this day is still puzzles me.

I had my first boyfriend at 15. I attached myself to him probably more than I should. I was with him ALL the time. My parents hated it and called me sneaky. They never asked me why I wanted to be with him, only not to be. They told me to end it, which I never did. I dated him for 5 years. I was really close with his mother. I needed that at the time.

My sister, who is 8 years older than me is a piece of work. At 47 now, she is still unmarried, quite eccentric and very self centered. I guess this is because she is alone. I told her to move here to Texas with me...I thought it would be great but it turned out to be a complete headache. She came with her 11 birds, had broken her foot and decided to live it up at our expense.

She didn't work for over a year while she lived with us. Never paid a cent of her own way. It was a real nuisance and I wonder how my husband put up with it. Needless to say, I have had enough. The day I told her I wanted to have another baby, she rolled her eyes at me. That incensed me. I could take care of her...my OLDER sister but I couldn't take care of another child. What a selfish bitch!

I swallowed it and swallowed it...with too many separate instances to mention. When I miscarried, she decided she rather go to Florida to see my brothers and told me she couldn't take me. She then asked if I would feed her birds. Again, selfish bitch! When I finally told her how I felt, the only thing she said was "you have some stuff of mine in storage, and I want it". We don't speak anymore. I have had it with her.

To this day, my brother who teased me...well, we don't speak either. He still picks at me and knows what buttons to press. Him and my sister are perfect for each other. There isn't one sibling who speaks to all the other siblings. So, it's not just me.

My other two brothers live far away. One I love to death and one I don't speak to at all since he's disconnected h imself from the rest of the family. He's been having a mid life crises for 15 years now. He wears his hair in a ponytail...need I say more?

Since my mother has died, it has been her wish to get the family back together. I would love to do that for her. My father is dead in my eyes and my siblings are quickly following suit. I realized one thing...I do have a family. My husband and kids are the only family i will ever need and if I'm blessed to have another...it's a shame they won't know about my family but it's a blessing too!

So, if I make the move to SA, it will be with a clear mind. I can't wait for a new beginning. Maybe I can leave all this crap behind...once and for all. I just have to get rid of all the negative elements in my life. I mean, who needs it?