Regrouping

I have had alot of time to think and discuss my "fertility" situation...not only with my husband but with my girlfriends as well.

I think it would be in our best interest to go the extra mile as our RE suggested.

So, I am going to try again but with a little loophole...to regroup and give myself three months to do so. I don't want to be stressed out during the holidays. We will try it again in January....when the smoke (from my ovaries) clears.

On other news, still looking for a part time job. I had to take a few days off however...to nurse a horrible cold. Dave and I got it at the same time but the kids are fine. Usually they get it first and give it to us. I've been washing my hands so much they are raw. I hate getting sick.

End of Summer...Dr. Update

I have such mixed emotions about the end of summer...especially this year. I am somewhat happy to see it end. Hopefully that will mean the end of 100 degree days for one. It also means back to school time. My kids are in the same school this year which is nice.

It also means I have alot of alone time.

That is good and bad.

I spent the last two days looking for a job. Hopefully I can find one soon. There is nothing more that I hate than feeling useless. I need to do something. I need to restructure my days just like my son has to. I hate dwelling on the negative and I think it's the only way I'll stop...to refocus on other things. Sounds easy enough right?

I think it would also help if I felt good physically,which lately I don't. My knee has been giving me problems in the last week so I have an appt. with the orthopedist today to see what I could have done to it.

Tomorrow is my follow-up RE appt. This is going to be interesting. I am dreaded it actually. I don't want to go in there like some loser and say "Well, you couldn't get me pg....and now I'm giving up". He will tell me not to I'm sure. He will advise more labs to investigate if I should or physically can continue. I just don't know if I can or want to revisit old wounds yet AGAIN.

So, that's where I'm at. I'm just feeling blah. I hope it's normal.

** Doctor Update **

Well, I was right. My Dr. doesn't want me to quit. Ok, lemme rephrase that. He told me if I wanted to give it a true test, then I should go two more rounds on the Gonal-F.

Here's the stats he gave me:

Couple trying to conceive without fertility problems: 20%
Couple trying to conceive with fertility problems, no meds: 10 %
Couple trying to conceive with fertility problems on Clomid: 10-15%
Couple trying to conceive with fertility problems on Gonal-F: 20%

So, if I want to try, the shots would be the best course to take. I asked him to check my ovarian reserve. He doesn't think there is a problem considering all the times I have been pregnant but he will take that test on CD 3. Unfortunately there isn't a test for egg quality.

I have very mixed emotions about this. Here's what I know. I want another baby. I know I should move on. I know it's heartbreaking. Do I really want to go through 2 more rounds of shots, U/S 's and heartache if it doesn't work? I know I will have regret if I don't do everything possible to make it a reality. I called Dave and we will talk about it tonight.

Ughhh...my head hurts.

A quick thought...or two

First off, I want to personally thank each and every one of you that has come here to give me support throughout this journey. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have people really understand the trials and tribulations of infertility.

I do have to face facts. I will be 41 in 2 weeks. I have allowed myself to have hope way too many times only to be devastated in the long run. I have been pregnant and had hope, only to miscarry both times. I can't afford the emotional roller coaster that was my life for 2 long years. It saddens me. All I wanted to do was give David a child, a biological child. While we are so fortunate to have 2 children already, he will never know what it feels like to have one of his own blood. He doesn't blame me. He knows I tried everything I could but simply said it wasn't worth it for him to see his wife in such a state for so long.

I am still mad at God. I am mad that he can put me through so much angst. This is something I will also have to come to terms with. I don't want anyone to worry about me. They say he doesn't give you what you cannot handle...I just wish I didn't need to "handle" so much.


So, that's it. I will be changing the name of my blog...maybe you guys can think of a snappy and uplifting title.

P.S. I decided to go back to work ...part time while my kids are in school so I will be "pounding the pavement" next week. I need something else to occupy my time and my mind. Wish me luck.

Take care everyone...and again, thanks for being there for me.

the end of my journey...

CD1.

11 DPO

and No, I didn't pee on a stick yet. I am holding out hope. I have never gotten a + before 14 DPO so I am being good and waiting. I will test on Monday.

Symptoms to date: sore nips, nausea, heartburn. Could be either probably. I really hope this is it for me. Our last ditch effort before giving up the dream.

Pray for us.

** This is what I'm doing to pass the time...