Update

Well, as many as you know...and some that dont my journey through TTC and pregnancy has ended.

Thursday, I went into the drs office to find out how baby A was doing and not only wasn't it not thriving since the last visit, but baby B's heartbeat has stopped as well. It measured only a day off of my due date so it must have just happened. Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated. I had went to the appointment alone and had to deal with all that came over me by myself. I called my husband in San Antonio and he came home immediately. All I could think about was how I had a totally useless and old body and I failed to give him the child he always wanted.

My doctor was great. She gave me three options. D&C, miscarry on my own or a new technique...a chemical induction. I chose option #3. I couldn't fathom going into the hospital again under anesthesia.

Friday my husband took me back to the dr. to get the pills which were placed in vaginally. I was told I would start to cramp and things should happen anywhere from 24-36 hours later.

My husband and I went to eat and when I got up to leave, it all came out...yes, in the middle of the Fuddruckers. I was screaming. I didn't want to lose my babies in the bathroom there but it didn't look like I had a choice. He rushed home to get me a change of clothes and some pads and somehow we managed to get through it. I couldn't look. The doctor wanted Dave to look...to see if I passed the babies. He said they were side by side each other, just how they started out. I couldn't fathom just "disposing" them...but what other alternative did I have? It broke my heart and it's very hard to write about it.

After I got off the phone with everyone it seems, I had a bad attack. Bleeding uncontrollably, and feeling like I was going to pass out from all the blood loss. I lost feeling in my arm and face at one point so that was scary. I had to throw up but coulnd't so I kept gagging. All in all, a truly horrible experience and one I don't wish on anyone. It seems, according to the dr., the pills induced all the bleeding very quickly which is why it all came out at once. I lost the placenta or one baby last night and the rest was just alot of tissue. I know Tmi. Today the bleeding is minimal and I hope it stays like that. All I have today is major fatigue and a headache that won't go away no matter what drugs I take.

I spoke to Jenn a few times...boy, she is my rock. I don't know what I would have done without her. Somehow her cursing at the whole free world for letting this happen to me made me feel better. Then Jamie called...so sweet she is. I'm so glad I met her and she knows the horror I faced. Jennie, lil mamasita...another inspiration to me. She called and was just wonderful. Chas and Jessie...thank you so much for your emails and comforting workd and Jess...that song made me weep. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of you. I wouldn't have gotten thru it without my girls. Les, I hope you come online soon...I would love to touch base with you.

I truly love you all and am very blessed and grateful we have each other.

Thanks again.

P.S. Liz, thanks for your kinds words...I will try to email you soon