in a mood...

I feel different today. I don't know why. Not sad, not upset, not sick, just different. I think it's all the "not knowing" that is getting to me. I am a total control freak. I have loosened up over the years but I still get all wound up if things aren't done just so. I am not the parent who let's their kids go out without a jacket, play in the dirt, or go to the corner without me. I don't trust anyone to babysit my kids, not even family. Now, you might think that's a little harsh but I have given them chances. I have always been let down. My own sister had my child for a week and didn't give her a bath once! That is just not acceptable in my book. Most of my family is so self absorbed int heir own lives, they could care less about
anything else. So, yea, I'm a little cynical.

I guess what it all boils down to is I have had alot of let down in my life. I had an ex who couldn't care about me or the kids when we were married. I had a best friend who didn't want to come to my wedding for her own selfish reasons (she wound up leaving early). I had parents who only loved you on their terms. I had a father who stole from me, had a hitman threathen my life if he didn't pay them back, and whose parents never talked to her at all growing up because they didn't have the time.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not having a pity party. I am actually happy that I am who I am. I learned what NOT to do. I learned NOT to emulate bad behavior. I learned the RIGHT way to parent. I learned all of this on my own. I have gotten away from the bad "karma" of my childhood. I have gotten away from controlling and belligerent parents.
I have gotten away from siblings who are too wrapped up in their own lives to give a crap about me or mine. I have learned to phase out so-called friends who dont' have the time for me or only call when they want something. I have even phased out family members who do the same.
Am I judging them? You bet. I judge their actions.

So, why am I spewing about what has let me down in my life? I guess it's because of a letter I received today. It was from my husband. He emailed it to me while he was at work so I'd see it when I woke up. He has reminded me (once again) how I'm worth the effort. I was thinking it had to be me. He made me realize what it real... and true....and what matters most. I would be so lost without him and my 2 sweet kids. SO, all in all...it doesn't matter what hell you've lived through or are going through day after day...it's the little things from the people that DO love you.

Here is a little snipet of my DH's letter (1st paragraph is about my daughter Kelly...I have to remind myself that she isn't HIS blood child)

Hi honey,

I feel terrible that I can't take Kelly to the Daddy/Daughter Dance. I know it means a lot to her. I think maybe we should all go do something on the day after Valentine's Day. It'd be nice if I took Kelly somewhere and you took Mikey somewhere and they'd be our Valentine's dates. But if we're all going out we might as well go together. I just don't know if it would be the same for Kell if she didn't have me to herself, ya know? What do you think? I just know that she's got to be bummed about not being able to go to the dance...and that makes me sad.

On another note, I'm likin ya! I'm thankful to have you in my life too. I can't imagine where I'd be in life if it weren't for you. I don't think I'd be the same person. I don't think I'd want to be the best person that I can be for someone other than you. You deserve the effort. You deserve to have me be as good of a man/husband/dad as I can be. The way you look at me, the way you smile at me, the twinkle in your eye when you look at me too long....it all makes life worthwhile. I'm not a very good person naturally. I have to make an effort. I have a lot of faults. So it's not easy being the man you deserve. But I try. And I can only hope that I make your life half as extraordinary and meaningful as you make mine. I love ya girl! See ya in a couple of hours.

Love,
Butthead


He writes that then signs it butthead....that sweet man!

Sidenote:

Thank you god...
for giving me him. I owe ya one.